5 Toxic Things I've Heard Church Leaders Say

At Best, Not Helpful - At Its Worse, Harmful

Feb 22, 2025

Having been in the church world for 15 years, I seen my fair share of stuff.

I’ve sat in green rooms. I’ve been in staff meetings. I’ve heard what really gets said behind the polished sermons and curated Instagram clips. And unfortunately, I’ve had more than my fair share of toxic church leadership moments.

Here are five things I’ve heard from pastors and leaders—words that were used to control, coerce, and keep people in line.

1. “You Are a Wild Stallion That Needs Breaking In.”

I was studying overseas when my pastor hit me with this one. Apparently, someone had once said it about him too, so I guess this was supposed to be my “rite of passage.”

But here’s how it played out:
I was intentionally denied opportunities to serve. Excluded from meetings and gatherings. Ghosted whenever I asked for clarity. All of it was framed as discipleship—as if growing in faith meant being strung along and emotionally manipulated.

Sure, I was headstrong. I needed refinement. Maybe they even had a scripture in mind—something about discipline being good for the soul (Hebrews 12:11).

But did this pastor actually want to disciple me, or was it just about keeping me in line? Or maybe he just did what he knew. Many big churches don’t celebrate individuality—it makes things harder to control and scale. Blind obedience is easier to manage than personal conviction.

Refinement isn’t forced submission—it’s growth through relationship. Jesus didn’t “break” His disciples. He invited them. He corrected them, but He didn’t ghost them to make a point. Spiritual leadership isn’t about control—it’s about stewardship.

“Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.” (Matthew 20:26)

2. “If You Leave This Church, You’re Leaving God’s Will.”

Or, depending on how dramatic your leader is:
“You will be cursed.”
“Your life will fall apart.”
“You’re walking out of God’s covering.”

I’ve heard it all. It’s been said to me and about others. It’s the kind of line that gets used not to protect people, but to trap them.

To be honest, it’s a form of bullying—a way to make people too afraid to leave even when they’re in an unhealthy environment. It replaces conviction with coercion.

Some genuinely believe they’re protecting people from making a bad decision. But here’s the real question:
If someone leaves your church, why can’t you still be their friend? Why does their value suddenly disappear once they step out of your community?

The scripture they would often use to justify this is Psalm 92:13:

“Planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God.”

Yes, being rooted in community is important. But being “planted” doesn’t mean being trapped.

Jesus never said “stay here or else.” He called people to follow Him—not a building, a brand, or a personality.

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” (Matthew 18:20)

If Jesus is where the people are, why are some leaders acting like He’s only in their church or ministry?

3. “When You Criticize Leaders, You Are Attacking God’s Anointed.”

One of the most played cards for control. A verse ripped out of context from the story of David and Saul (1 Samuel 24:6).

Don’t attack your leaders? Sure.
But also? Don’t oppress people like Saul.

I once questioned why someone was promoted into leadership after only one month of being saved. I referenced 1 Timothy 3:6, where it literally says a leader shouldn’t be a new convert—and guess what?

I got rebuked for not being “supportive of the move of God.”

Criticism feels like an attack when your ego is fragile. Instead of engaging concerns, insecure leaders shut people down.

Yes, leaders deserve honor and prayer (Hebrews 13:17). But they are also accountable. Even Paul rebuked Peter when he was wrong (Galatians 2:11).

Biblical leadership isn’t a shield from criticism—it’s a call to higher accountability.

4. “You Must Submit to Leaders Because They Have Been Placed Over You by God.”

Another card insecure leaders love to play to avoid accountability. They cite Romans 13:1, where it says authority is established by God—but conveniently ignore that authority is also meant to serve, not control (Matthew 20:26).

This turns submission into power dynamics, making leadership hierarchical instead of relational. Instead of guidance, it becomes control. Instead of spiritual growth, it breeds spiritual dependency.

I’ve seen this verse weaponized to justify leaders micromanaging people’s lives:

Telling them who they can or cannot date—as if a church leader’s approval is a prerequisite for love.
Telling them how to spend their money—not for stewardship, but for ensuring their "tithes and offerings" keep flowing.
Controlling their career choices, social circles, and even where they should live—as if God’s will only operates through a pastor’s personal opinion.

Yes, members need guidance—because people do make bad decisions. Immaturity, lack of wisdom, and emotional impulsivity can lead to regrets.

But growth should come from inspiration and nurturing, not fear and control.

If a person only follows God because they’re afraid of disappointing a leader, that’s not discipleship.

Submission in the Bible is never one-sided. Leaders are called to serve, not to dominate (1 Peter 5:2-3).

“Not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.” (1 Peter 5:3)

Even Paul—who had spiritual authority—never forced people to obey. He reasoned, encouraged, and taught (2 Corinthians 1:24).

Jesus washed His disciples' feet—He didn’t demand they wash His (John 13:14-15).

5. “You Must Pursue Your Leaders.”

This one was taught to me when I was studying overseas.

I was told that if I really wanted to grow, I needed to chase my leaders. That I needed to pursue them like Elisha pursued Elijah.

But let me tell you what actually happened:
The same leader who told me this played hot and cold—sometimes accessible, sometimes ghosting me for weeks. It was spiritual hazing.

It made me feel like leadership was a popularity game. Like I had to prove my worth just to be invested in.

Leaders do this because it shifts responsibility away from them. Instead of shepherding the sheep, they expect the sheep to chase them.

A true shepherd doesn’t wait to be pursued—he goes after the sheep.

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?” (Luke 15:4)

A healthy leader doesn’t play hard to get.

*Thankfully, I have also seen the opposite of this - a senior leader I was under had an “open door” policy, and another freely gave out his number and never rejected an appointment.

I still believe in the church. And leadership is vital for its growth. But I don’t believe in cult-like control, coercion, or manipulation in the name of God.

If you’ve heard these things before, know this:

You are not crazy.
You are not rebellious.
You are not wrong for asking questions.

Jesus never guilt-tripped people into following Him.

So why are we still tolerating it in His name?